I think that's part of your problem there. You don't have one that you keep and remember. It means you don't have any control over what happens to you and that can make experimenting uncomfortable because you don't have a way to make it stop. You see what I mean?
[Bull's sharp, and that mention of not having a way to make it stop is definitely something Fran struggles with. One of the reasons he opted for voice over video is so he wasn't quite so transparent, but that doesn't seem to have mattered, and it curves a wry smile, a soft edge to his voice.]
Yeah, I guess. You think having something- stable like that will make it easier?
[He has so many uncertainties and questions that any place to start isn't a bad thing.]
When it comes to things where you could be putting your trust in other people you need a way to stop if it's too much. Besides that they need a way to know so they're not putting you in danger. You know that you can trust each other and you'll both have a good time.
Yeah, that's true. It can be hard to know who to trust. People like you, and Fen, and a few others are easy, and I like people that push, but-- [He quiets for a moment, fidgets with his device a little as he tries to think of how to say it.]
A lot of people, you give them power and they'll take it. And-- you don't always get to take it back.
[It's a definite part of what he struggles with. Shadows in his eyes that he doesn't quite talk about.]
[Bull understands the power a bottom should have.]
That's why if you establish the rules you get to have as much power as they do. You have the right to that. It's what Fenris and I give you and that's why it's easy. You just have to get that kind of balance with others.
[There's an easy sort of agreement there, a slight twitch of a smile. But he pauses a moment, considers. Usually he lets this point go, since no one seems to grasp it, but he feels comfortable enough talking to Bull to make an attempt.]
I don't really want power. [There's a hesitance to it, almost a shy sort of admittance. A depth to that softness he usually tries to keep from showing; how adverse he is to holding it in his own hands.]
It sort of scares me, I guess. Power over other people is worse. But.. I do want my desires to matter. Is-- does that make any sense?
That's part of giving someone power. When you're letting them know that your watch word is your line then they can take you places without you having to wonder if that will be the time it goes too far. You're taking care of them as much as they are you.
[Francis can hear as Bull shifts where he's sitting to get comfortable again.]
Part of getting really into it is having trust in each other. To know that they'll stop as much as you'll be willing to tell them to. That's what the rules are for. If they can't give that to you then it doesn't matter who they are, they're not worth it. It's why I think you should come up with one watch word then use it for everyone. That way you always know what it is and you know you can end it to keep yourself safe. You know where the line is and so do they.
[Francis listens, shifting a little on his bed with a low hum, thoughtful and considering as Bull speaks.]
Maybe I'll try that. I haven't- actually used watch words a whole lot. I sort of thought they were mostly... you know. If I was gonna hand someone a knife or something like that. When things get risky, I guess.
[Fran hasn't really done as much as he wants to, to be honest. This place makes it confusing and it's hard to trust people, harder to ask. But he's trying.]
I never really had a chance for this sort of stuff back home, and here it's all mixed up with contracts and quotas and everything else.
[It's frustrating, because he wants more of it, but the lines feel confusing.]
You can use them even if it's something as simple as cuddling with someone on the couch. If you're not comfortable then they need to know that you have a line they can't cross.
[Bull knows that's a common misconception. He strokes his chin then speaks again.]
Let's figure out what yours is going to be. One word you use for everyone no matter what. That you'll always have. How about it?
[His voice quirks a little, and there's a slight edge to his voice there for a moment. The idea of lines is rather complicated, but figuring out a real watch word feels easier. And it's a small step, at least, something in the right direction.]
It's fine even if you never use it. The point is just to have that measure to keep you feeling safe. So that way you know you have a way to make it stop no matter what. If pastella is the word you want then that's your word.
[He says it before he can think better of it, before he realizes how heavy the words feel on the air. He quiets for a moment, trying to think of what to say to fix it, only to end up shrugging it off a little, a huff of wry laughter on his tongue.]
It doesn't change things, is what I mean. I'd trust your hands on me whether or not I had some watchword, you know?
[He means that. But these are complicated things for him.]
Sure. Because you know that I'm never going to put you in real danger. There's trust between us. That's not something easily won by everyone though which can make the exciting part of being powerless pretty fucking scary instead.
Yeah. You feel safe to me. But you're not wrong, not everyone I end up playing with is someone I trust like that. It's just...
[There's a pause, and he worries at his lip for a moment trying to figure out how to say it. It's a gentle admittance, a little bit unsure.]
...I guess if I don't trust them, then I don't really believe that it will matter if something goes wrong.
[It's small and raw, and so very true. Shadows of the things that make things sort of complicated in the first place. But he tries to shrug it off a little.]
It can get scary sometimes, yeah. But scary can be fun in small doses, too.
Seems like it matters a lot since you're worrying about it now.
[He's pretty sure that Fran thinks he's just shrugging it off. That he can believe it doesn't matter. But he also knows that if it didn't they wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
And that is what he feels is the real difference here.]
I guess what I mean is that.. yeah, okay, it matters to me.
[And yet he still sort of says it like a secret, not quite comfortable with admitting to the things that he wants and needs. Even when it's just the idea that how people touch his body and how he wants them to touch him should matter.]
And with people who ask for a watchword, I know it matters. But with people who don't.. if I don't already trust them, then it's-- messier.
[He's quiet for a moment, and then he sighs. It's hard to talk about this stuff, but Bull at least doesn't make him feel like he's a mess for struggling with it.]
It's only as messy as you want it to be, Fran. If they can't respect you enough to accept that you have a watch word then they don't care enough to make sure you're alright. At that point it's like giving a mad man a knife and telling him to sit still and not use it.
You're new to this. It's alright to be unsure about it all. Better that you have someone to talk to about it while you figure out what you want and what works.
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nehraachargers) wrote2019-11-17 03:10 pm
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[A pause.] Oh. Depends on who I'm playing with, I guess. [He didn't always think to use them, if he was being honest. But he doesn't say that part.]
Some people like colors. I think fiori was the last one I used.
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Yeah, I guess. You think having something- stable like that will make it easier?
[He has so many uncertainties and questions that any place to start isn't a bad thing.]
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A lot of people, you give them power and they'll take it. And-- you don't always get to take it back.
[It's a definite part of what he struggles with. Shadows in his eyes that he doesn't quite talk about.]
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[Bull understands the power a bottom should have.]
That's why if you establish the rules you get to have as much power as they do. You have the right to that. It's what Fenris and I give you and that's why it's easy. You just have to get that kind of balance with others.
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[There's an easy sort of agreement there, a slight twitch of a smile. But he pauses a moment, considers. Usually he lets this point go, since no one seems to grasp it, but he feels comfortable enough talking to Bull to make an attempt.]
I don't really want power. [There's a hesitance to it, almost a shy sort of admittance. A depth to that softness he usually tries to keep from showing; how adverse he is to holding it in his own hands.]
It sort of scares me, I guess. Power over other people is worse. But.. I do want my desires to matter. Is-- does that make any sense?
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It's still right, though. Enough to get a smile from the curl of Fran's lips, a flush of warmth to the sound of his voice.]
Yes. I want that. I think it's just.. feeling safe, too.
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[Francis can hear as Bull shifts where he's sitting to get comfortable again.]
Part of getting really into it is having trust in each other. To know that they'll stop as much as you'll be willing to tell them to. That's what the rules are for. If they can't give that to you then it doesn't matter who they are, they're not worth it. It's why I think you should come up with one watch word then use it for everyone. That way you always know what it is and you know you can end it to keep yourself safe. You know where the line is and so do they.
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Maybe I'll try that. I haven't- actually used watch words a whole lot. I sort of thought they were mostly... you know. If I was gonna hand someone a knife or something like that. When things get risky, I guess.
[Fran hasn't really done as much as he wants to, to be honest. This place makes it confusing and it's hard to trust people, harder to ask. But he's trying.]
I never really had a chance for this sort of stuff back home, and here it's all mixed up with contracts and quotas and everything else.
[It's frustrating, because he wants more of it, but the lines feel confusing.]
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[Bull knows that's a common misconception. He strokes his chin then speaks again.]
Let's figure out what yours is going to be. One word you use for everyone no matter what. That you'll always have. How about it?
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[His voice quirks a little, and there's a slight edge to his voice there for a moment. The idea of lines is rather complicated, but figuring out a real watch word feels easier. And it's a small step, at least, something in the right direction.]
I.. don't know. I used pastella last time.
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[He considers for a moment.]
I've never.. I haven't actually used it before. It's always just sort of been there, but no one ever pushes that hard.
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[He says it before he can think better of it, before he realizes how heavy the words feel on the air. He quiets for a moment, trying to think of what to say to fix it, only to end up shrugging it off a little, a huff of wry laughter on his tongue.]
It doesn't change things, is what I mean. I'd trust your hands on me whether or not I had some watchword, you know?
[He means that. But these are complicated things for him.]
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[There's a pause, and he worries at his lip for a moment trying to figure out how to say it. It's a gentle admittance, a little bit unsure.]
...I guess if I don't trust them, then I don't really believe that it will matter if something goes wrong.
[It's small and raw, and so very true. Shadows of the things that make things sort of complicated in the first place. But he tries to shrug it off a little.]
It can get scary sometimes, yeah. But scary can be fun in small doses, too.
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[He's pretty sure that Fran thinks he's just shrugging it off. That he can believe it doesn't matter. But he also knows that if it didn't they wouldn't be having this conversation right now.
And that is what he feels is the real difference here.]
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[And yet he still sort of says it like a secret, not quite comfortable with admitting to the things that he wants and needs. Even when it's just the idea that how people touch his body and how he wants them to touch him should matter.]
And with people who ask for a watchword, I know it matters. But with people who don't.. if I don't already trust them, then it's-- messier.
[He's quiet for a moment, and then he sighs. It's hard to talk about this stuff, but Bull at least doesn't make him feel like he's a mess for struggling with it.]
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You're new to this. It's alright to be unsure about it all. Better that you have someone to talk to about it while you figure out what you want and what works.