[It wasn't an invitation!! He screams internally, but he stands around for a moment, hesitating at the offer.
There's nothing wrong with sitting in his lap--he knows that really it's where he's going to end up in short time anyhow. But somehow just climbing into his lap right away seemed...
He takes a breath and steps forward, shoulders slumping a little in exasperation at himself.]
Your lap. [He was overthinking things again, knowing full well that there's no need to really keep appearances up with Bull.] I'm going to need it, I think. [He takes the cup in one hand and rubs at the side of his head a little with the free one, sighing wearly.]
It's only been a few days, but it feels like it's been weeks. I'm so... [So tired.]
[Bull reaches out to pull him onto his lap, settling an arm around him. It keeps his other hand free to just drink from one of the bottles which he does now.]
[He's stiff for a moment, as if expecting Bull to suddenly decide it wasn't worth it, or perhaps for this to be uncomfortable. But after a few seconds he shifts and leans back tentatively against the arm holding him. Once he determines Bull isn't about to let him fall, he's able to relax fully, sipping at his wine.
The question makes him smile faintly and he reaches out, touching lightly at it before his hand falls away.]
It's the mark of the Jin sect. When I came here, I was quick to throw away anything that showed my connection with the clan. I thought the others would simply see it as an inability to let go or move on, that I was still too attached to the past and unable to change.
My nephew is technically the head of the Jin Sect now. When we spoke, he reminded me that he's never released me from the Jin. [He smiles a little though, amused despite--or maybe because of--Jin Ling's bratty behavior.] He gave me permission to wear it again, and our colors.
It's a sacred mark for the sect. It's meant to symbolize our openness towards wisdom and our aspirations.
[he closes his eyes, feeling a sudden swell of emotion behind that and he takes a breath.] Thank you.
I decided... That I was done with trying to be someone else. Some of the things I did had been terrible, but who I had been wasn't by nature. [He'd spoken for the common people more often than not, giving them a voice when they had previously had none. He had to believe that still meant something.]
I'm tired of it. I am still Jin Guangyao as much as I am 'just' Meng Yao. Sweat, blood, and tears went into earning that name, regardless of how much I disliked its implications. I had clawed from the bottom to the very top and I refuse to let the sacrifices I made go to waste any longer. [His eyes narrow as he stares down at his wine, his tone fierce and determined.]
I don't have to become what they wish to mold me into being. [And by 'they' he mostly means Huaisang, but still]
[Bull listens while Meng Yao starts. It's a strong declaration and he likes hearing it. It shows a lot of where the guy has not only come from but where he's at now. Good place for him too really. He nods as he watches him.]
What inspired that?
[He's curious really. Last time they talked Meng Yao had still been in a state of accepting what people wanted him to be.]
When speaking with Jin Ling, he reminded me that he had far more of a claim over any punishment or retribution for my deeds. My actions deprived him of parents, grandparents, cousins... [He trails off with an 'etc.' hand motion.] He felt it was worse that I was abandoning that family. It made me start to think. And--
[He'd love to tear Huaisang down here, if it didn't mean taking Mingjue down with him. Unlike Huaisang, he wasn't about to drag the half-sibling down for this. It gives him an almost vicious sense of pleasure to feel superior to him in at least this.
Instead he sighs deeply and drinks his wine in one gulp before holding it out to silently ask for more.]
Huaisang's brother, Nie Mingjue, arrived. I told you before that Xichen and I entered a sworn brotherhood with each other? There had also been a third. Him.
[There's a pause again before he states bluntly:] I'd killed him in our world.
[Even he knows that's putting it mildly. But it might explain some of the choices he's making now.
From his own bottle, he refills the cup full. Sure he's not saying much but honestly he knows that's not what he's here for. Meng Yao needs him to listen.
He's determined I've been tortured enough for my crimes. It doesn't feel like it should be that easy. [He sighs and drinks more, staring sullenly into his cup.]
I used to be at least half in love with him. I believe the phrase I've heard around here has been something like... 'a knight in shining armor'? After my father kicked me down the stairs [He pauses here with a bitter expression to drink more] I went to the Nie. I joined as a disciple and worked myself to the bone. No matter what task, i'd do it, to the fullest extent it could be done. I was the first to rise and the last to sleep.
It never mattered. [He laughs bitterly.] THe other disciples hated me regardless. I volunteered once to get water for us all on a break. On my way back, I heard them disparaging me, quite openly. I left and sat by myself and that's when Nie Mingjue showed up. He asked why I wasn't eating with everyone else.
I didn't answer, and I... I'm not sure what he saw. I must have looked quite pitiful. He went to the cage and we listened as they talked about how pathetic I was. How ridiculous it was for me to think I could become anything, given my background.
Da ge was so angry he cleaved a boulder in two with his sword. He scolded all of them, yelling at them. He promoted me on the spot-- all the way to his second-in-command. [Meng Yao shakes his head with a scoff of laughter, but he's smiling] What a fool. He had no way of truly knowing if I was actually competent at my job. But... Lucky for him, I proved to be anyway.
Not that it helped anything, really. The servants liked me well enough. I had no friends, but at least a small group of people who tolerated me well enough. And still... [He goes quiet a moment.] There were still rumors. That I was all but the head wife but in name. That I had slept my way to the position... My talent and my skill weren't acknowledged at all. No one cared about that. They just knew I was the son of a whore, and therefore what else could I do?
[His jaw tightens and he shakes his head, realizing his point was getting away from him a little.] But I was happy. Content, for the most part. And then... When the Wen attacked, I took advantage of the confusion. I killed the guard captain who'd been the most vocal in his hatred of me, and the... implications about my relationship with the Sect Leader. Unfortunately, Mingjue caught me in the act. Shortly after I ended up taking a sword for him and in his mercy he simply had me banished rather than killing me outright.
[...He had been going somewhere with this, but now he feels he's lost the threads of it and he frowns.] We were both crying as we parted. Perhaps some part of him still remembers those things...
[He sighs deeply and drinks more, looking faintly miserable.] He never trusted me again. When he was captured by the Wen, I'd already been an established spy in Wen Ruohan's court. I had his trust and his ear and I'd been in secret communication with Xichen for months. I had to keep up appearances.
I said terribly cruel things to him. I killed some of the Nie disciples and did what I could to keep from being ordered to kill Mingjue himself. When the war was over, Mingjue wanted to kill me. He tried. I have no doubt he would have if Xichen hadn't stopped him.
[He remembers Baxia coming for his head and he shudders, squirming a little in Bull's lap to shrink down more and snuggle a bit closer.]
He never forgave me. He was convinced I was evil and unrighteous and unjust. That it was his duty to keep a firm hand around my throat and force me down a more honorable path. But no matter what I did, he only saw evil intentions. [He shakes his head.] I won't speak of all the Nie Sect's secrets, but there is a...madness that goes down their line. I'm sure that had much to do with it, twisting his anger. But even then... [He trails off, staring off before drinking more wine and going for another refill.] It doesn't undo the things he's said or done.
[He has to wonder what the other side of this story is because it sounds like that's what this is. Two sides of one story. But he does see where Meng Yao is coming from on this.]
So you killed him because of things he said and did.
[he laughs and reaches up with his free hand to cover his eyes, and laughs again.]
No, if only it were that simple. I didn't want to. Not really. Despite it all, I still cared for him, but my father... My father always knew just the right things to say to get me to listen.
I think I told you before, there's a concept of 'filial piety.' I could not bring such disrespect on my home and my father by disobeying him. I was desperate for his approval, desperate to keep my place and my standing, however fragile and tentative, in my new family. It was my mother's only wish. She never would have been able to move on if I couldn't honor her request.
My father knew all of this. At least, he knew I could never risk upsetting him too much or else he could easily discredit me and throw me down the stairs again. The day-to-day tasks of a Sect Leader that he hated would fall to me. Planning for parties, the accounts, daily tasks... His wife treated me as little better as a servant. Anything that went wrong would be my fault and I was punished accordingly. [Madam Jin might not have been the strongest cultivator around, but her slap was mean.]
All of his dirty work... Political enemies, people who got in the way, people he just disliked... All would meet their ends in various random, tragic ways. Terrible how these things happen, sometimes.
Nie Mingjue was one of them. He was very vocal against my father's plans, could see right through his power-grabbing ways. So... my father would hint strongly that things would be much easier and better for him if Mingjue was out of the picture...
[Meng Yao goes quiet for a long moment then, drinking his wine to steady himself. His head feels dizzy already; he'd been drinking too fast in too short of an amount of time.]
I began to poison him. A special magic using music. Instead of soothing his madness like it was promised to do, it hastened it. One night in a rage, he kicked me down the stairs and called me a 'son of a whore.' [Meng Yao covers his eyes again and laughs bitterly to keep from crying.] Even at his angriest he'd never done such a thing. [He'd never thrown Meng Yao well-known trauma into his face like that before.]
I decided I wouldn't feel guilty or reluctant any longer. He died that same night.
[He isn't going to sit here and judge Meng Yao though. What happened is crap and he did something terrible. A lot of terrible things it seems. All for the desperate need to please his father. That deserves another drink and he refills that cup while he's at it.]
Do you regret it?
[He knows the answer but he thinks his friend might need to say it.]
Yes. [He answers automatically, sniffling a little and blinking back the sudden wave of tears.] I had known--I'd thought I'd known-- that one couldn't live while the other still did. One of us had to die. Mingjue was so much stronger than me in every way. Brute strength, his cultivation, the backing of family and a sect that loved him.
I was a fool. Xichen would have always protected me, but I never saw a way out. I had to keep moving forward. I always thought I had no other choice, like a rope was closing in slowly around my throat. At this point what else could I do? Up until I killed him, my father would have made a scapegoat of me in a heartbeat if I tried to expose anything.
[He shakes his head.]
Huaisang... found out. I'm not sure how. But he knew and he laid in wait, ready to spring a trap on me 16 years in the making to tear me down.
[He wouldn't put it past him though. While Bull isn't close to him, he's always recognized that there's a brain under all that apparent fluff. It's the part that makes him respect him even if he knows he'd side with Meng Yao over him now.
It's what happens when he gets to know someone better but not the other.]
He was the exact opposite of Mingjue in every way. He knew to play that up. [He laughs a little, sounding impressed despite himself.] He revealed my every secret to discredit me. Every death I had a hand in, everything I had covered up. After I took over as Sect Leader of Jin I had done my best to be more honorable, to lift Jin up to and beyond its former glory without as many underhanded tricks, tryin to be more honorable. [As many,, because look, he was still a politician here. He couldn't do everything 100% by the book.] He tricked Xichen into killing me.
[He shakes his head, slumping a little to press it against Bull's shoulder. He goes quiet for a long moment again, just concentrating on breathing before he got too emotional.]
Did you know I was married? [He speaks up suddenly, laughing a little hollowly.] I had done-- Something terrible by her. I tried to do right after the fact, and she was none the wiser... She was happy and content. But Huaisang contacted her directly. Exposed everything.
[He pauses, swallowing hard.] She killed herself. He'll never acknowledge his role in that.
Such a hypocrite... [He murmurs bitterly, the mention of Qin Su getting him aggravated and restless.
You kill ONE brother, and all of this happens?? He drinks more of his wine, tilting his head back to stare up at the ceiling.]
I'd loved her. I don't think he ever believed I had. I shouldn't have, but I did. [He's quiet for a moment, seeming reluctant to keep talking about it, but also desperate to get it out. But it's a taboo subject even amongst the most open-minded of people and he cares far too much about what Bull thinks of him to ruin that.]
He made sure to use the things I loved against me most. Xichen, her... When I had my father killed, I spared one woman. One who'd been so nice to me and my mother in the days at the brothel. He'd found her and got the story from her and used her against me too. If I'd been even more ruthless, maybe... [He closes his eyes and sighs deeply.]
[There's something Meng Yao isn't telling him about Qin Su. He figures with enough thought he could figure it out but he decides that he won't. Let his friend have that privacy for now.]
But you're not. You're not that ruthless or cruel.
[That startles a laugh out of him and he sits up abruptly, staring at Bull for a moment like he can't believe he said that. His stomach twists and he feels an almost violent urge to lash out. What did Bull know about ruthlessness or cruelty from him?]
Oh, but I am, The Iron Bull. I have had to harden my heart against so much, but the atrocities I've committed are no less terrible than some of the things Huaisang has done.
I didn't tell you how my father died, did I? [He smiles, but there's nothing nice about it, and he holds himself tense as he speaks, like he's ready to scramble off of Bull's lap and away should he decide 'fuck this' and flips Meng Yao out of his lap or something.]
My father's greatest love after himself was women-- any woman, other than his wife. Everyone knew. His health was already beginning to fail him. So one night I bought the prostitutes no one wanted anymore. Those too old, too scarred, too unpleasant for most men to come to any longer.
I tied my father to the bed and had them play with him. I told them not to stop, no matter what he said or tried to do, or else. They complied and eventually, he died. I had them all, save for one, killed.
No one wanted to look too much into such a shameful death.
[He shook his head.] I looked the other way while my son was killed too. I used that as an excuse to wipe out a rival sect that was in disagreement with me. I--
[He pauses then, brow furrowing slightly as he looks down, shaking his head. Why did it matter? A self-destructive tendency to test people, to try and shove them away and hurt before he could get hurt. He sighed deeply and shrunk away, rubbing at his head with his free hand.]
[He goes silent and sets his nearly-empty cup aside for the moment, burying his face in both of his hands and taking a deep breath.]
I wanted to build watchtowers through the countryside to protect the smaller villages on the outskirts, villages who were too poor to call for the aide of cultivators, or too far out of the way that by the time help would be asked for and come, it might be too late.
Many sects disliked it. They disliked having to supply resources for it, disliked that they'd have to devote time to the common folk who couldn't readily afford them.
There was one clan that was much more violent and vocal about their displeasure than the others. Their leader seized upon an opportunity to kill my son while he wasn't heavily protected. My son was barely six years old. I wiped out the man's entire clan in retaliation.
I hadn't... I hadn't set it up like that, not exactly. But I knew it would be dangerous. I chose to look the other way. It was good as doing it myself. And even if it hadn't been, he couldn't be allowed to live. It was-- He was-- [He takes a deep breath and manages to choke out, equal parts revulsion and grief]
[Well, privacy gone but it explains a lot. It's twisted but Bull nods. He's in this for the long haul so he's not going to let this scare him away. Especially when he can see how this eats away at Meng Yao.]
You didn't know she was at first right?
[Probably some political mess kept him from ending things when he found out too. It's a bit of a leap without more details but he doesn't think he's wrong. Even with how different courts seem to be where Meng Yao is from some things stay the same everywhere.]
No, no. I... During the war, I saved her life. I rescued her and freed her before she could be sold, or... or worse. I didn't even really know she was of the gentry until years later when we'd met again.
She pursued me. [There's a smile in his voice, though his face is still hidden by his hands] She was relentless. She knew who I was, where I had come from... And she hadn't cared at all. She said that she loved me. It didn't matter where I had come from, and if she had raised me so well, then my mother must have been lovely. She was so sad to have never gotten to meet her.
[Despite himself, his tone is warm, appreciative. Full of the love he never should have really had.] Her father was very close to mine. I did love her, but it helped that marrying her would have been a very advantageous act for me. It would make it so much harder for my father to throw me out on a whim. Qin Su's father was wary because of my birth, however. He doted on Qin Su heavily.
Qin Su and I... We began to sleep together. [His stomach turns in a mix of unease and something like nostalgia.] Frequently, as often as we were able to, until she fell pregnant. Then, there was no way her father could deny our marriage request. He persuaded my father and our marriage could occur, since I had defiled her for anyone else.
The night before the wedding, her mother came to me. She said she could no longer stand by and the wedding had to be called off. I thought she was simply bereft at the thought of seeing her daughter married off, but... My father... One night, before Qin Su was born... he'd gotten drunk at a banquet. He'd raped her. She'd told no one and pretended the child was her husband's but there was no doubt to her that she was Jin Guangshan's instead.
But there was nothing I could do. To call of the wedding would destroy Qin Su. Her reputation, her entire life... My own, too, of course, but for her it could have only been worse. I couldn't let that happen to her, not after the love and kindness she had shown me. I never told her. How could I? We were married the next day, and I refused to touch her like that ever since.
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nehraachargers) wrote2019-11-17 03:10 pm
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There's nothing wrong with sitting in his lap--he knows that really it's where he's going to end up in short time anyhow. But somehow just climbing into his lap right away seemed...
He takes a breath and steps forward, shoulders slumping a little in exasperation at himself.]
Your lap. [He was overthinking things again, knowing full well that there's no need to really keep appearances up with Bull.] I'm going to need it, I think. [He takes the cup in one hand and rubs at the side of his head a little with the free one, sighing wearly.]
It's only been a few days, but it feels like it's been weeks. I'm so... [So tired.]
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[Bull reaches out to pull him onto his lap, settling an arm around him. It keeps his other hand free to just drink from one of the bottles which he does now.]
The mark is new. What's it mean?
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The question makes him smile faintly and he reaches out, touching lightly at it before his hand falls away.]
It's the mark of the Jin sect. When I came here, I was quick to throw away anything that showed my connection with the clan. I thought the others would simply see it as an inability to let go or move on, that I was still too attached to the past and unable to change.
My nephew is technically the head of the Jin Sect now. When we spoke, he reminded me that he's never released me from the Jin. [He smiles a little though, amused despite--or maybe because of--Jin Ling's bratty behavior.] He gave me permission to wear it again, and our colors.
It's a sacred mark for the sect. It's meant to symbolize our openness towards wisdom and our aspirations.
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[Bull gives him a smile as he has another sip of wine. But he's glad that Meng Yao has this now. It's clear it means quite a bit to him.]
It's nice to see you have it, Meng Yao.
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I decided... That I was done with trying to be someone else. Some of the things I did had been terrible, but who I had been wasn't by nature. [He'd spoken for the common people more often than not, giving them a voice when they had previously had none. He had to believe that still meant something.]
I'm tired of it. I am still Jin Guangyao as much as I am 'just' Meng Yao. Sweat, blood, and tears went into earning that name, regardless of how much I disliked its implications. I had clawed from the bottom to the very top and I refuse to let the sacrifices I made go to waste any longer. [His eyes narrow as he stares down at his wine, his tone fierce and determined.]
I don't have to become what they wish to mold me into being. [And by 'they' he mostly means Huaisang, but still]
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What inspired that?
[He's curious really. Last time they talked Meng Yao had still been in a state of accepting what people wanted him to be.]
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[He'd love to tear Huaisang down here, if it didn't mean taking Mingjue down with him. Unlike Huaisang, he wasn't about to drag the half-sibling down for this. It gives him an almost vicious sense of pleasure to feel superior to him in at least this.
Instead he sighs deeply and drinks his wine in one gulp before holding it out to silently ask for more.]
Huaisang's brother, Nie Mingjue, arrived. I told you before that Xichen and I entered a sworn brotherhood with each other? There had also been a third. Him.
[There's a pause again before he states bluntly:] I'd killed him in our world.
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[Even he knows that's putting it mildly. But it might explain some of the choices he's making now.
From his own bottle, he refills the cup full. Sure he's not saying much but honestly he knows that's not what he's here for. Meng Yao needs him to listen.
So he'll listen.]
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He's determined I've been tortured enough for my crimes. It doesn't feel like it should be that easy. [He sighs and drinks more, staring sullenly into his cup.]
I used to be at least half in love with him. I believe the phrase I've heard around here has been something like... 'a knight in shining armor'? After my father kicked me down the stairs [He pauses here with a bitter expression to drink more] I went to the Nie. I joined as a disciple and worked myself to the bone. No matter what task, i'd do it, to the fullest extent it could be done. I was the first to rise and the last to sleep.
It never mattered. [He laughs bitterly.] THe other disciples hated me regardless. I volunteered once to get water for us all on a break. On my way back, I heard them disparaging me, quite openly. I left and sat by myself and that's when Nie Mingjue showed up. He asked why I wasn't eating with everyone else.
I didn't answer, and I... I'm not sure what he saw. I must have looked quite pitiful. He went to the cage and we listened as they talked about how pathetic I was. How ridiculous it was for me to think I could become anything, given my background.
Da ge was so angry he cleaved a boulder in two with his sword. He scolded all of them, yelling at them. He promoted me on the spot-- all the way to his second-in-command. [Meng Yao shakes his head with a scoff of laughter, but he's smiling] What a fool. He had no way of truly knowing if I was actually competent at my job. But... Lucky for him, I proved to be anyway.
Not that it helped anything, really. The servants liked me well enough. I had no friends, but at least a small group of people who tolerated me well enough. And still... [He goes quiet a moment.] There were still rumors. That I was all but the head wife but in name. That I had slept my way to the position... My talent and my skill weren't acknowledged at all. No one cared about that. They just knew I was the son of a whore, and therefore what else could I do?
[His jaw tightens and he shakes his head, realizing his point was getting away from him a little.] But I was happy. Content, for the most part. And then... When the Wen attacked, I took advantage of the confusion. I killed the guard captain who'd been the most vocal in his hatred of me, and the... implications about my relationship with the Sect Leader. Unfortunately, Mingjue caught me in the act. Shortly after I ended up taking a sword for him and in his mercy he simply had me banished rather than killing me outright.
[...He had been going somewhere with this, but now he feels he's lost the threads of it and he frowns.] We were both crying as we parted. Perhaps some part of him still remembers those things...
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Bull takes another swallow of wine.]
Sounds like he probably cares about you a lot.
[Again, he doesn't say much. Just an offering of something to encourage Meng Yao to keep talking.]
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I said terribly cruel things to him. I killed some of the Nie disciples and did what I could to keep from being ordered to kill Mingjue himself. When the war was over, Mingjue wanted to kill me. He tried. I have no doubt he would have if Xichen hadn't stopped him.
[He remembers Baxia coming for his head and he shudders, squirming a little in Bull's lap to shrink down more and snuggle a bit closer.]
He never forgave me. He was convinced I was evil and unrighteous and unjust. That it was his duty to keep a firm hand around my throat and force me down a more honorable path. But no matter what I did, he only saw evil intentions. [He shakes his head.] I won't speak of all the Nie Sect's secrets, but there is a...madness that goes down their line. I'm sure that had much to do with it, twisting his anger. But even then... [He trails off, staring off before drinking more wine and going for another refill.] It doesn't undo the things he's said or done.
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So you killed him because of things he said and did.
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[he laughs and reaches up with his free hand to cover his eyes, and laughs again.]
No, if only it were that simple. I didn't want to. Not really. Despite it all, I still cared for him, but my father... My father always knew just the right things to say to get me to listen.
I think I told you before, there's a concept of 'filial piety.' I could not bring such disrespect on my home and my father by disobeying him. I was desperate for his approval, desperate to keep my place and my standing, however fragile and tentative, in my new family. It was my mother's only wish. She never would have been able to move on if I couldn't honor her request.
My father knew all of this. At least, he knew I could never risk upsetting him too much or else he could easily discredit me and throw me down the stairs again. The day-to-day tasks of a Sect Leader that he hated would fall to me. Planning for parties, the accounts, daily tasks... His wife treated me as little better as a servant. Anything that went wrong would be my fault and I was punished accordingly. [Madam Jin might not have been the strongest cultivator around, but her slap was mean.]
All of his dirty work... Political enemies, people who got in the way, people he just disliked... All would meet their ends in various random, tragic ways. Terrible how these things happen, sometimes.
Nie Mingjue was one of them. He was very vocal against my father's plans, could see right through his power-grabbing ways. So... my father would hint strongly that things would be much easier and better for him if Mingjue was out of the picture...
[Meng Yao goes quiet for a long moment then, drinking his wine to steady himself. His head feels dizzy already; he'd been drinking too fast in too short of an amount of time.]
I began to poison him. A special magic using music. Instead of soothing his madness like it was promised to do, it hastened it. One night in a rage, he kicked me down the stairs and called me a 'son of a whore.' [Meng Yao covers his eyes again and laughs bitterly to keep from crying.] Even at his angriest he'd never done such a thing. [He'd never thrown Meng Yao well-known trauma into his face like that before.]
I decided I wouldn't feel guilty or reluctant any longer. He died that same night.
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[He isn't going to sit here and judge Meng Yao though. What happened is crap and he did something terrible. A lot of terrible things it seems. All for the desperate need to please his father. That deserves another drink and he refills that cup while he's at it.]
Do you regret it?
[He knows the answer but he thinks his friend might need to say it.]
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I was a fool. Xichen would have always protected me, but I never saw a way out. I had to keep moving forward. I always thought I had no other choice, like a rope was closing in slowly around my throat. At this point what else could I do? Up until I killed him, my father would have made a scapegoat of me in a heartbeat if I tried to expose anything.
[He shakes his head.]
Huaisang... found out. I'm not sure how. But he knew and he laid in wait, ready to spring a trap on me 16 years in the making to tear me down.
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[He wouldn't put it past him though. While Bull isn't close to him, he's always recognized that there's a brain under all that apparent fluff. It's the part that makes him respect him even if he knows he'd side with Meng Yao over him now.
It's what happens when he gets to know someone better but not the other.]
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[He shakes his head, slumping a little to press it against Bull's shoulder. He goes quiet for a long moment again, just concentrating on breathing before he got too emotional.]
Did you know I was married? [He speaks up suddenly, laughing a little hollowly.] I had done-- Something terrible by her. I tried to do right after the fact, and she was none the wiser... She was happy and content. But Huaisang contacted her directly. Exposed everything.
[He pauses, swallowing hard.] She killed herself. He'll never acknowledge his role in that.
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[Shit he'd do really fucking well in Orlais. All their games sound right up Huaisang's alley.]
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You kill ONE brother, and all of this happens?? He drinks more of his wine, tilting his head back to stare up at the ceiling.]
I'd loved her. I don't think he ever believed I had. I shouldn't have, but I did. [He's quiet for a moment, seeming reluctant to keep talking about it, but also desperate to get it out. But it's a taboo subject even amongst the most open-minded of people and he cares far too much about what Bull thinks of him to ruin that.]
He made sure to use the things I loved against me most. Xichen, her... When I had my father killed, I spared one woman. One who'd been so nice to me and my mother in the days at the brothel. He'd found her and got the story from her and used her against me too. If I'd been even more ruthless, maybe... [He closes his eyes and sighs deeply.]
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But you're not. You're not that ruthless or cruel.
[Not really. Not from what he's heard.]
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Oh, but I am, The Iron Bull. I have had to harden my heart against so much, but the atrocities I've committed are no less terrible than some of the things Huaisang has done.
I didn't tell you how my father died, did I? [He smiles, but there's nothing nice about it, and he holds himself tense as he speaks, like he's ready to scramble off of Bull's lap and away should he decide 'fuck this' and flips Meng Yao out of his lap or something.]
My father's greatest love after himself was women-- any woman, other than his wife. Everyone knew. His health was already beginning to fail him. So one night I bought the prostitutes no one wanted anymore. Those too old, too scarred, too unpleasant for most men to come to any longer.
I tied my father to the bed and had them play with him. I told them not to stop, no matter what he said or tried to do, or else. They complied and eventually, he died. I had them all, save for one, killed.
No one wanted to look too much into such a shameful death.
[He shook his head.] I looked the other way while my son was killed too. I used that as an excuse to wipe out a rival sect that was in disagreement with me. I--
[He pauses then, brow furrowing slightly as he looks down, shaking his head. Why did it matter? A self-destructive tendency to test people, to try and shove them away and hurt before he could get hurt. He sighed deeply and shrunk away, rubbing at his head with his free hand.]
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You had someone kill your son?
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I wanted to build watchtowers through the countryside to protect the smaller villages on the outskirts, villages who were too poor to call for the aide of cultivators, or too far out of the way that by the time help would be asked for and come, it might be too late.
Many sects disliked it. They disliked having to supply resources for it, disliked that they'd have to devote time to the common folk who couldn't readily afford them.
There was one clan that was much more violent and vocal about their displeasure than the others. Their leader seized upon an opportunity to kill my son while he wasn't heavily protected. My son was barely six years old. I wiped out the man's entire clan in retaliation.
I hadn't... I hadn't set it up like that, not exactly. But I knew it would be dangerous. I chose to look the other way. It was good as doing it myself. And even if it hadn't been, he couldn't be allowed to live. It was-- He was-- [He takes a deep breath and manages to choke out, equal parts revulsion and grief]
Qin Su and I were half-siblings.
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You didn't know she was at first right?
[Probably some political mess kept him from ending things when he found out too. It's a bit of a leap without more details but he doesn't think he's wrong. Even with how different courts seem to be where Meng Yao is from some things stay the same everywhere.]
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No, no. I... During the war, I saved her life. I rescued her and freed her before she could be sold, or... or worse. I didn't even really know she was of the gentry until years later when we'd met again.
She pursued me. [There's a smile in his voice, though his face is still hidden by his hands] She was relentless. She knew who I was, where I had come from... And she hadn't cared at all. She said that she loved me. It didn't matter where I had come from, and if she had raised me so well, then my mother must have been lovely. She was so sad to have never gotten to meet her.
[Despite himself, his tone is warm, appreciative. Full of the love he never should have really had.] Her father was very close to mine. I did love her, but it helped that marrying her would have been a very advantageous act for me. It would make it so much harder for my father to throw me out on a whim. Qin Su's father was wary because of my birth, however. He doted on Qin Su heavily.
Qin Su and I... We began to sleep together. [His stomach turns in a mix of unease and something like nostalgia.] Frequently, as often as we were able to, until she fell pregnant. Then, there was no way her father could deny our marriage request. He persuaded my father and our marriage could occur, since I had defiled her for anyone else.
The night before the wedding, her mother came to me. She said she could no longer stand by and the wedding had to be called off. I thought she was simply bereft at the thought of seeing her daughter married off, but... My father... One night, before Qin Su was born... he'd gotten drunk at a banquet. He'd raped her. She'd told no one and pretended the child was her husband's but there was no doubt to her that she was Jin Guangshan's instead.
But there was nothing I could do. To call of the wedding would destroy Qin Su. Her reputation, her entire life... My own, too, of course, but for her it could have only been worse. I couldn't let that happen to her, not after the love and kindness she had shown me. I never told her. How could I? We were married the next day, and I refused to touch her like that ever since.
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